Saturday, October 6, 2012

fear and trust

I really love this little guy. He is such a sweet, easy baby and blessing to all of us. One of the things that I really cherish about his life is how God has used him to teach me to trust--to trust God's timing, provision, plan, and ultimately to trust in how much God cares for me.

This pregnancy tested and stretched my faith in ways that I didn't expect. I was not only adjusting to living away from my friends and family (and not having any here yet), but I was faced with the fear of going into labor or my water breaking early as it did with Alayna. See, with Alayna it was inconvenient to be the hospital for 3 weeks and to have a C-section and to have a 3 year old at the time, but we had wonderful family and friends who helped us get through and it really turned out amazing.  However, the thought of having that happen here in Oregon without anyone around to help totally frightened me. I mean, who would watch our kids? Danny could, but he would have to take off precious work days which we really needed (he is going to helicopter flight school, after all). The hospital I would have to go to if I had the baby early was over half an hour away, and I was remembering those NICU days with Alayna and how driving to the hospital every day to see her was exhausting and hard (it's no fun to be away from your baby!).

I did my best to take it easy and my doctor and midwives kept a close eye on me, yet whenever I felt the slightest cramp or "funny" feeling I would be hit with that fear--the fear of being alone in a hard time and things not working out. Each week I felt on edge and prayed to get through the next week, and the next. Amongst all this fear we were in the process of buying a house and moving (again) plus I had two children to take care of. Many times it was overwhelming, to say the least. I really had no idea what would happen, and it was scary.

One day I asked God for a verse to cling to, something to claim and to help me get through the pregnancy with faith and not fear. He gave me this:

"I sought the LORD and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears."
Psalm 34:4

I kept forgetting that when faced with those fears and doubts, I needed to seek God. God promised to hear me when I prayed and to deliver me from my fears if I sought after Him.

He didn't necessarily tell me that everything would turn out perfect, but that no matter what I didn't have to be afraid. I only had to trust Him. I had to keep choosing to believe that He really could deliver me from my fears! 

He can, He can, He can! He did.

And you know what else is wonderful? God ended up working everything out beautifully (as He's done before yet I tend to forget). I had Legend full term, God worked out the timing of having my mom come and be available to help with the kids, I had an amazing labor and I was able to have a VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) which was what I prayed and hoped for. God provided for every need along the way for us, both physically and spiritually.

Most importantly, even before knowing the outcome, God gave me the grace to deliver me from my reoccurring fears and to teach me to totally depend on Him and trust Him with every detail of my life. How sweet to know that we can always be "casting [our] care upon Him, for He cares for [us]" (1 Peter 5:7, emphasis mine).

Are you struggling with fear, big or small? Cast it on God, believe His Word and promise of deliverance, and remember that He loves you. We don't need to worry about the future for it is already in His hands.


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